Understanding the Desire for Control

Who's Really in Charge?

“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.”

–Ephesians 1:11 NIV

Control is a sensitive topic for many of us, because as much as we would like to dictate the course of our lives, some things are just out of our purview. The reality is, though we may try to do everything in our power to bring about a particular outcome, our fate does not lie in our own hands. The frustration this fact can evoke can prove damaging if we hold the wrong perspective.

The desire to possess the power to influence is not intrinsically evil. The issue arises when we make being right or “on top of things” our uncompromising goal. When we get to this point, we are convinced that if we relinquish our grip on a situation, we and the perceived problem will spiral out of control. This notion is just that –a deception that only breeds distress when we finally come to the end of ourselves and realize we cannot control everything.

Release Control

The Bible says God did not “give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power of love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). This not only shows the Lord has given us all freedom of choice to determine what we do, think and feel, but it also proves there is an element of our lives that is naturally orchestrated by the decisions we make, as well as the things we choose not to do. The concept of control gets distorted when we become obsessed with calling the shots.

This is because nothing in life will go our way all of the time. And when the undesired outcome inevitably occurs, if we are bent on having control we will grow frustrated, distressed, discouraged and eventually angry with God. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone ask “Why God, why?” when something they planned did not happen as they envisioned it?

If we’re being completely honest, how many times have we complained to God because something did not turn out the way we wanted it to, even though we did “everything right”? This line of thinking is dangerous because if a challenge takes us out of our comfort zone, we will then be tempted to wallow in self-pity or shut ourselves off from the rest of the world out of fear of getting hurt again.

Why We Desire Control

At the root of every person’s desire to control is pride, apprehension and distrust. One man could have grown up in an abusive home where he was constantly undermined and forced to adhere to strict rules by overbearing parents. More than likely, the minute he went on his own, he promised himself he would never let anybody boss him around again. Likewise, a lady who grew dejected after being constantly let down by others, might try to control the outcome of her interactions so she can always know what to expect to avoid future disappointment.

The problem with these coping mechanisms is they never really serve their intended purpose and end up severing and damaging relationships instead. You see, when a person has a controlling spirit, they often repel people through their acts of domination.

Ironically, the child of the overbearing parents ends up using the same toxic parenting methods to burden his children, thus perpetuating the exact cycle of resentment that triggered his desire for control in the first place. Similarly, the woman who tried to dictate her fate by avoiding situations where she could not predict the outcome, winds up isolating herself to the point where she develops trust issues which make it difficult for her to relate to others.

The Art of Letting Go

Clearly, the desire to have control is a serious issue. The only remedy can be found in Jesus Christ; the one  in control of the entire universe. One of the first steps to lasting freedom is surrendering. This can only be accomplished by confessing our shortcomings and admitting we cannot help ourselves.

Pride tells us we are our own gods and we don’t need instruction or direction, but scripture reminds us God is the author and finisher of our faith and it is He who has the whole world in His hands. All this simply means is God is in control and we are not.

Embracing Surrender

The good news is although God is in control, He is not a harsh taskmaster. King Solomon writes:“There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel that will stand” (Proverbs 19:21). God blesses us with free will because though He is in charge, He is not interested in forcing or coercing us to do anything we ourselves are not interested or willing to do.

In contemporary times, the word control has become synonymous with the term power, simply because people who crave supremacy want to lord it over others. But when the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in the hearts of believers, He never imposes Himself. The other two members of the Holy Trinity exercise their dominion through a very similar approach.

Imagine, God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. The mountains bow before Him and the sea flees at His rebuke, yet, He still blesses us with free will. In other words, even though the Lord has the ability and the sovereign right to tell us what to do, how to do it and when to do it, He doesn’t. All He asks of us is to willingly surrender to Him so He can guide, protect and teach us how to live fruitful lives. 

Though this is the type of leadership we ought to follow, because the concept of control has become so distorted, most people reject Christ in favor of attempting to be the kings and queens of their own lives. While God does not restrict us from making such a move, sooner or later, our own actions prevent us from reaching our maximum potential which ironically can only be attained through surrender to God.

Conclusion

The majority of our worries, anxieties and fears are rooted in our desire for, but lack of, control in our lives. The quicker we realize it is God who dictates the course of our lives, the easier it is to let go and allow Him to direct us. After all, He “works all things out for our good.” (Romans 8:28).